WHY AM I- This is just insane
by SirShriek
Summary: "This is insane. I'm not Commander Leopard. Shepard. Whatever , I'm not." Shepard is not herself. She doesn't remember anything before being rebuilt, insists on being called Kevin, getting extremely drunk and starting bar fights with Krogan, Vorcha, Batarians, well everyone. This galaxy is going to die. Rated T for casual swearing and slight suggestions...
1. Sunday

The time is 2:30 AM.

It's Sunday, I'm still awake, parents asleep, cats asleep, X-box on. Raindrops are suicidally smashing themselves into my bedroom window, trailing down the glass like tears. All is as it should be. I'm currently on my 23rd hour of Mass Effect, technically 48th if you count my first play through as manshep. I'm playing as femshep, running up the outside of the presidium. Still banged Liara though.

_Damn my leg is getting numb._ As I move to restore blood flow, my homework slowly slides off. I make no move to retrieve it. My mind is entrapped by Saren's voice. _Why aren't there any female Turians? _I ask myself. _Because Shepard would bang them all and doom the entire Turian race._ Dramatic music. A gunshot. _Talked you into capping yourself this time asshole. Didn't expect that, did ya? _**Boop MaterBata37 is online.**_ Ah, Anthony. He'll probably want to play Minecraft or halo or something. I'll ignore him for now. _I pop the trey open, remove the disc and put it back in it's box. I take care of my games, because you can't play 'em if they're broken. _In goes Mass effect 2. Loading screen. Select new game, import Talia Shepard._

A sudden boom of thunder almost made me crap myself. _Please don't be any lightning. _I silently prayed. Lightning scares the crap outta me. One hit you could die, or be horribly melted for the rest of your life, speaking of melting, whatever metal you have on you like a chain or watch will melt into your skin.

"Kevin, Keeeeevvvviiiiinnnn," Anthonys voice. He's trying to sound ominous.

"What?" I say, donning the headphones and speaker set. It is uncomfortable, the sponge bit make my ears itch.

"Don't be a douche, me and the guys are playing Halo, join us." Anthony is 12, he is the douche, a little mexican douche. He is not mexican, it just pisses him off. I like pissing off people who can't beat me up, I try to avoid unnecessary pain.

"I am not a douche. Go, be free, my little mexican, be free!"

A range of profanity's spill into my ears, along with a deafening roar. I rip off the head set. Anthony is screaming at me if I'm ok and what the fuck was that noise. It must have stopped. All I can hear is the sound of feedback. It's in my head. There is only the absence of light and sound.


	2. Strange Hospital

Fuck my head hurts. Would some one stop that incessant beeping! Ow. I am laid on my back. The surface is cold and hard. I try to open my eyes, to see. My body is not cooperating. Must have been one hullava night. What was i doing last night anyway? I'll remember later. I manage to prize an eye open. A small victory against whatever it is in my system. The bright light in my face makes my precious eye tear. I blink them away. I see white. Tiles in fact. I smell antiseptic, only it's not quite the same. I look right, there is a machine, it shows a green squiggly line, rising and falling, in constant motion. Also there is a bald man, I only see the side of his shiny head. He's talking. I'm guessing this is a hospital. He doesn't look like a doctor...

"She's waking up."

_She?_ Must have heard him wrong.

"Give her the sedative." A woman's voice. I try to find her face. I don't have to, her broad face looms into my line of sight. She's pretty, at this angle I can see the tops of her breasts, like two curious children looking over a wall. I start to get slightly aroused by this, after all I am a male. The beeping gets faster. I lift my hand towards her face, her dark hair tickles my arm. She pushes my flailing limb away. _She's real, or this is a fucked up dream._

"Wilson, another dose, NOW." _Bossy pants._

"But the-"

"Do it!"

"Shepard, relax." She pins my arm to whatever it is I'm lying on, I'm too week to resist.

_Shepard? Damn this is a crap hospital. I'm not a girl and my name is Kevin._

I try to tell her this, but no words are found. The beeping is getting fainter. I slip back into a kind of sleep, to the sound of them arguing.


	3. Dawning realisation

The alarm is blaring. Someone's shaking me, and yelling.

"Jeeze. I'm awake." I mumble.

The place rocks like a powerful earthquake.**  
**

"I said I'm awake!" I growl, rubbing my aching jaw.

Heat and an eardrum popping noise as if someone set off a dozen fireworks.

"THAT was uncalled for mother!" I yell sitting up and clawing some gunk out of my eyes.

"Get your weapon and Armour."

"What?"

"Get dressed!"

I slide off the table with a hand pressed against my aching head. Getting dressed, where's my cloths? Ah, here's something. A big chest, cabinet, thing, with a slidey door. I reach into the dark recesses of the chest cabinet thing and pull out what seems to be large pieces of dark shiny plastic. It will have to do. Somehow I know where all the pieces go and slot them together. Where the hell am I? I look around. It's the same place as when I briefly regained consciousness, except it looks like its now hosting Armageddon. Out of the corner of my eye I spot something in the bottom of the strange container. On closer inspection it looks like a novelty gun, like something you would probably find at a comic con. I pick it up anyway.

"Its not got any ammo." I say, not even any foam rockets.

"Look for a thermal clip for your weapon."

I know what this is. It's my birthday. So my friends had knocked me out with booze and now we're at a laser paintball place. Sly, very sly, I'm going to kick their smugly asses at this. I check in the container for one of these 'thermal clips' nope, not in there. How would I know if I found one or not? I had never seen one. I moved towards the door almost tripping over something. Scowling I looked down at the offending object.

"That's a thermal clip, pick it up." Said the bossy woman.

I did as she bade. I only had to put it near the gun for it put itself in place, it must be a magnetic thing. Gun loaded, I hopped over a metal box.

"Get down! Use the cover! The mech's have gone rouge!"

How is any of this helping!? I mentally screamed at her with my back wedged against another box. Mechs? Robots? Oh this I had to see. I poked my head over the box, and a laser whipped past. Yep, robot. It was thin with the number '8' glowing in red on it's face. I aimed for it's chest but the shot went a little left and hit it's shoulder. It's arm fell off. Ok, so the aim is slightly left. I aimed for a head shot and the robot went down. 'Well that was easy' I thought as I started to rise to my feet. Then the damned thing exploded and I instinctively shot back down.

"Clear, go!"

I figured the aim of the game was to kill the robots and retake the 'base'. I can do that. I battled several more robots, picked up a grenade launcher and ran though pretend fire.

That's when I came across another person, a security guard maybe? I join him ducking by the glass. There's a long drop on the other side of said glass, and beyond that more robots. Between us we turn the raging machines to scrap. I didn't like the guy, he was yelling this like 'Tag!' and 'Get over here!' a bit cliche and annoying. This place is probably damn expensive, the detail, the sound, and letting us blow up the bots.

He told me his name was Jacob Taylor and that some project was going on, and I kind of dozed off, he talked a lot.  
He decided we should go find Miranda. We killed the robots, went to the next room and someone named Wilson came on the radio and needed help. We found him, he'd been shot in the leg. Typical. Jacob told me to put some jelly on it, and Wilson was walking around fine after. Magic jelly. The three of us made a dash for the shuttles. As soon as Wilson hacked the door the pretty woman, i assume was Miranda, shot him in the face.

"What the hell!?" I exclaimed. By Jacob's expression he agreed with me.

"He was a traitor.''

''Now we can't question him.''

He really was dead. Wilson had been a living breathing human being, and now he's a dead human being. This is really real. My eyes were widening in horror. Maybe if i play along with these nuts they won't kill me.


	4. This Chapter Has No Title

I climbed into the shuttle after Miranda, _dat ass, _it was an ass covered in hexagonal patterned spandex. It looked like two of the bio domes of the Eden project in Cornwall. For a nut her ass is ok, I'm just not so sure about her mental state. I sit across from both her and Jacob. This plastic suit I'm wearing is not comfortable. It digs into my ass. speaking of ass, I think Jacob is one, because he promised to play twenty questions with me, but not that Miranda was joining in and that I wouldn't get to go first.

"Early in your military career you found yourself facing an overwhelming enemy force. You risked your own life to save your fellow soldiers and defeat the enemy despite the impossible odds. Your bravery and heroism have earned you medals and recognition from the Alliance fleet. You single-handedly repelled an attack by Batarian slavers on Elysium. Is this right?" Miranda asked.

"Hell yes. I'm awesome." I say.

"And You were an orphan raised on the streets of Earth and escaped the life of petty crime and underworld gangs by enlisting with the Alliance military when you turned eighteen?"

"Yes." I say simply. Holy fuck, I'm Batman, I think in disbelief.

"Why did you leave Ashley Williams to die on Vermire?"

"Because I didn't like her."

Apparently this was an unexpected response as Jacob nearly kills himself coughing and choking on nothing. Miranda however continued smoothly.

"And who is the new human councilor?"

"Anderson." I said without hesitation. "I'd never pick that asshole Udina."

Jacob almost kills himself a second time. I think he's trying not to laugh.

We arrived at a space station, and after a brief chat with Martin Sheen and calling Miranda on being a bitch, we left it again.


End file.
